i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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