her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
