Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
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she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
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It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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