Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
