I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
