you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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