I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
