Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
