she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
did i walk over a car last night?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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