I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
