as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It was confusing and full of hummus
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
