If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
