just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
