My sheets look like a crime scene.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
