I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
