I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
