I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
