Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
