My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
