I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize