nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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