Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Woke up backwards on a recliner
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
