I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
