You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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