My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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