i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the day after is always just damage control
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
