i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.