Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(480): View more from Arizona

A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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(480): A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card. http://tfl.nu/fah6

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.

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(201): Having kids is risky. They might end up weird. http://tfl.nu/gtfl

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here

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(303): dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here http://tfl.nu/onu8

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(210): View more from Texas

she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice

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(210): she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice http://tfl.nu/lxs5

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time

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(248): I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time http://tfl.nu/uesv

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(248): View more from Michigan

New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

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(248): New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people. http://tfl.nu/cghq

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(623): View more from Arizona

she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.

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(623): she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five. http://tfl.nu/kcej

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone

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(321): Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone http://tfl.nu/v4em

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(310): View more from California

it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined

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(310): it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined http://tfl.nu/11oi

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????

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(414): they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed???? http://tfl.nu/zsp8

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.

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(217): I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister. http://tfl.nu/65yp

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer

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(860): Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer http://tfl.nu/4t5t

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.

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(201): If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses. http://tfl.nu/91v1

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(480): View more from Arizona

Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.

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(480): Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now. http://tfl.nu/9q96

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(231): View more from Michigan

Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?

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(231): Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest? http://tfl.nu/bt3a

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