Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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