woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
