respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
