My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
