It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
