so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
