woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
