he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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