my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
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