I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
