We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
