I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize