i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
