I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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