You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
