The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
