I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
