Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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