Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
