So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
