I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
