It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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