hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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