he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
