I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
