OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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