I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
