for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
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She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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