oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Welp...herpes.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
