tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
