I just saw a hot homeless man
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
