I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Can you bring me the toilet please
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
